Tuesday, November 11, 2008

A Movement Worth Considering

My friend Kim Kovacs, resident genius at the Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts in Washington, DC, sent me this. I reprint it in full...

In the wake of the election, thought you might be interested in the new secession movement….

Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes California, Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas, Oklahoma, and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners), 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias, and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech, and MIT.

With the Red States on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson, and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent think that Saddam was involved in 9/11, and 61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Peace out,

Blue States

Here's installment 55 of Wasted Miracles.

Chapter 14

The brunette one--whose name really was Clare Drake--said, “Well, I guess it coulda been worse. Do you think he really meant it? Throwing us off the ship? Could he really do that?”
The blonde, whose name wasn’t Jennifer Jamieson, shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe. I remember in school reading about how ship’s captains could do pretty much what they wanted. Bury people, have them whipped or put on a deserted island, stuff like that. But maybe that was just pirates. Anyhow, I think we’d better not screw up. That’s all we need, getting tossed on some island full of spades and ending up in their version of jail. I don’t think I’d like that much.”
Outside the cabin’s porthole there was nothing but blue-green water and bright blue sky. They could feel the ship humming beneath their feet, the sound of the giant engines not quite deadened. Clare Drake said, “He didn’t seem like such a bad guy, all in all...”
Jennifer Jamieson opened the small closet door, selected three dresses, tossed them on her bunk. “Far as I’m concerned, what we’ve gotta do is just not screw this up. There’s ten grand waiting for us in Baltimore when we get there. That’s in three days. Ten grand. We go to Florida, someplace near Disney World, get a decent apartment with a pool and a workout place. Start things over. No more hooking, no more dealing with assholes, ‘cause I’ve got to tell you, I’ve had it with that scene.” She held up a black dress, glanced in the mirror, made a face, let it drop to the cabin floor. “It woulda been nice to get a few extra bucks, but I told you that old fart’s wife was all over him. We should’ve tried for that other guy, the one who came on to me by the pool.”
“Except that he didn’t have any money. I could tell that right away. He was a scammer, I know it. Did you see his shoes? What kinda guy wears shoes like that on a cruise? Had PayLess Shoe Source written all over them.”
Jennifer Jamieson shrugged, “Yeah, well. Next three days, we’re prim and proper. Two teachers from an exclusive school, out on the cruise of a lifetime.” She made it sound like a middle-of-the-night television ad. “Real exciting.”
Clare Drake took her friend in her arms, hugged her hard. “Three days. We give Herbie his stupid package back, he gives us ten grand, we’re outta here for good. Think of it. Right next to Disney World, get to be pals with Mickey and Goofy, maybe even get job there. I’ll be Snow White, you can be one of the dwarves.”
Clare Drake laughed. She was the smaller of the two. “Bitch!”
Jennifer Jamieson squeezed her harder. “Yeah. But you love me anyway.”

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