- Sign on to SeniorPeople Meet.com (which I find a tad insulting)
- Sign on to JDate.com, though I’m not Jewish
- Sign on to Christian Mingle, which sounds a little bit risqué
- Sign on to Asian dating and for all I know, Senior Aging dating
- Sign on to a couple of other services that promise nights of delight with women who live in my very own neighborhood and are invariably blonde and a third my age.
- A free fifth tire if I bought a set of four
- An amazing array of printer supplies—paper, cartridges, cables and wireless thingies
- An almost free education at the University of Phoenix (I like the symbolism. The phoenix [me] rising from my own intellect-free ashes)
- And also from Florida Tech University, an online concern that promises me a raise, which I could well use
- A staggering array—and I mean thousands—of free coupons.
- A membership to Curves, even though I’m a guy and I don’t think they’d let me through the doors.
Cure diabetes, psoriasis, high blood pressure, athletes’ foot, toenail fungus, halitosis, bad eyesight, poor hearing, hair loss, acne, impotence, and drooping breasts. Really. Without surgery or exercise…
- Start melting my fat away with raspberry ketone, or even better
- Blast it away with foods that kill fat, or perhaps
- Romance it away with saffron, who is either a spice or a girl. And finally, I can
- Buy a sort of male girdle which, when I put it on, will obviate the need to blast or melt anything at all. Nothing against saffron, but being a pacifist at heart, I think I like that option best.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you. I have not yet availed myself of this wealth of products and information, but I’m pretty sure I will in the near future. So keep those messages coming, folks. Don’t know what I’d do without you…