Friday, March 21, 2014

Anex Canada!

Russia’s annexation of Crimea is abominable and disgraceful. As a country that wouldn’t dream of doing such a thing, ever and under any circumstances, I think we need to retaliate and send a strong message to the Madman Putin. I therefore offer a suggestion.  We should annex Canada.
Canada is a large landmass to the north of the United States. Few people ever think about this, but like Crimea, our neighbor is deeply divided. The Canadian French and English speakers have a long history of animosity towards each other and we should step in, for their own good.
Why, you might ask, don’t we annex Mexico instead? After all, it’s sunny there, the food is somewhat interesting if you like refried things of questionable origins, there are beaches, and a goodly part of the population already works in the States in largely menial capacities. Well, the fact is many Mexicans speak neither English nor French, which would make basic communications difficult. Plus, Mexico is overrun with drug cartels and criminals with no respect for human life. We don’t need people like that in our society. And lastly, any country that has Montezuma’s Revenge as part of its national heritage can’t really be taken seriously.
We don’t need to annex all of Canada, just the Quebec province. The unfortunate people of Quebec have long been held in submission to the Montreal yoke and the separatist movement there has failed ignominiously. The brave and subjugated Québécois need our help.
Consider the fact that we have a long history of amicable relations with the French. Their culture is very close to ours and without the arrival of Lafayette to our shores in 1777, we would all be speaking The Queen’s English today.
Additionally, the French have given us:
  • French toast
  • Les Misérables
  • The Chateaubriand, a hefty slice of rare meat named after one of their best writers
  • Brigitte Bardot, before she went quite mad
  • Cinéma Noir
  • Foie Gras
  • Windsurfing
  • Bic pens and lighters
  • French maids who don’t do much but look very sexy
  • The moped
  • The Tour de France
  • Fernandel (and shame on you if you don’t know the name of perhaps the best comic actor of Marseillais origins)
  • Bouillabaisse
  • Gitane and Gauloise cigarettes
  • Louis Pasteur and Coco Chanel
  • Dominique Strauss Kahn (for his sheer absurdity and entertainment value)
  • The ménage à trois  or more (see above)
  • The Olympics
  • Face transplants
  • The Metric system
  • Deconstructionism
  • The words cliché and escargot.
Admittedly, none of the above originated in Canada or in Quebec, but I am sure the suffering Québécois are proud of sharing a language and cultural assets with such an illustrious people as the French.
We should act before some other nation gets the same idea. It would send a clear message to Putin. 

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