Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Internet Promises

I have a spam filter, several, in fact. They are supposed to be effective and protect me---I assume--from former Nigerian Prime Ministers with millions in their portfolios, slick Malaysians dealing in stolen Ferraris, 23-year-old ladies from a former Socialist Republic looking for green card sponsors, and purveyors of koala berry drinks.
This being said, when I first check my email in the morning, there are generally close to three dozen messages. This particular morn, Goober Gary wants to sell me Cialis and Lulu Pino promises success with women if I buy a knock-off Rolex. Edwina Ebenezer says with the product she is selling, I will have sex more than ten times tonight, but she does not say with who (whom?).
I particularly enjoy the fact that the net does not discriminate. There is no ageism or sexism, no racism or religious intolerance. Both Martin Schwartz and Beatrice Lumumba guarantee that I can increase the size and length of my manhood with a month's supply of their rather costly product. It makes me wonder, who told them I have issues with size and girth?  Are Martin and Patrice long-standing friends, and if so, where did they meet and why do they both have my email address?
Johanne Judd, overly fond of exclamation points, states, “the science behind our products!! is setting a new standard for healthy!! and effective
enlargement!!! and is the most powerful formula!! on the market today!!” I have forwarded Johanne’s announcement to both Martin and Patrice. These people should know each other.
Marguerite Cassidy does not believe in mincing words. "Get Bigger Pennis." Marguerite believes spelling it with two n's will automatically make it bigger.
Freddie Morton, on the other hand, likes to go scientific: "More sexual partners. More orgasms. More pleasure. Choosing your
penis enlargement method you should remember that some widely advertised methods are either ineffective or dangerous. Some advertisements are based on lies, lack of medical knowledge or are just frauds. Choose XXX penis enlargement devices to achieve penis size you dream of in a safe and medically approved way." Since the only Freddie I know owns a gay bar in Virginia--and I'm pretty sure he wasn't the Freddie sending me the email--I have doubts about these promises. Plus anyone trying to fool me by advertising larger results with large fonts is not worthy of my trust. I wasn’t born yesterday, you know.
And lest I forget, for about a year I received all sorts of ads to make my breasts bigger, fuller, rounder, more satisfying to the touch. I think those came from Steve Martin who once said that if he had breasts, he'd spend all his time playing with them.

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