The End o’ Life™ Clinic

“Hello, is this Thierry? Am I pronouncing it right??”

“Yes, it is, and no, you’re not, but that’s okay.”

“Well I‘m sorry. Foreign names are so difficult. Anyway, Thierry, this is the Everlasting Peace Clinic, and it appears you missed your appointment yesterday…”

“Ah. Yes. Well, I changed my mind.”

“You changed your mind? What do you mean you changed your mind?”

“I’ve decided I want to live.”

“You want to live? Whatever for? You’re a mess, you told us so yourself!”

“I know. But I may have been exaggerating. Things aren’t that bad. I was depressed when I made the appointment, is all. But I’m just no ready to be euthanized.”

“I don’t understand. You came in a month ago and told us you were ready to end it all. You spoke to Doctor Bob, and you put down the non-refundable $500 deposit. You do realize that was non-refundable, right?”

“Yes, I do. And that’s okay; you’re welcome to keep the depo--”

“Thierry. Please tell me how to pronounce your name. It doesn’t seem right to mispronounce it…”

“It’s like Pierre, but with a T.”

“Well, Thierry, is that better, yes? Well, Thierry, it’s not all about the non-refundable deposit. We went to a lot of trouble here at Everlasting Peace Clinic. We printed up your End o’ Life Greeting Cards™, twenty of them. I guess you don’t have many friends. But we sent them out day before yesterday. And the death notice is going to appear in the Post tomorrow. We’re going to have to charge you for that, you know.”

“I understand. Charge what you have to.”

“And there’s a $600 charge for the End o’ Life™ Miracle Heart-Stopper package, plus the bed rental and cleaning…

“The what?”

“The bed where we turn out your lights. It has to be disinfected after every use. That costs money.”

“But I’m not going to be using it!”

“Our next client doesn’t know that. They’ll want to see the End o’ Life™ Cleaning Certificate. And we can’t issue that until that bed has had the full treatment. Plus, you opted for the Wash ‘n’ Wax™ Special. Which, I might add, was very thoughtful of you.”

“I did? When did I do that?”

“You agreed during the post-signing End o’ Life Telephone Survey™.”

“No I didn’t!”

“I have it recorded right here. Would you like to hear it?”

“No, that’s all right. Just send me the bill.”

“And you also signed up for the End o’ Life™ Backup Emergency Plan.”

“I never did…”

“It’s right here on my screen.”

“I don’t even know what that is!”

“That’s in case the drugs don’t work. We send in a guy who smothers you with our End o’ Life™ Pillow.”

“That’s awful!”

“You’re unconscious. You don’t feel a thing…”

“My God… Okay, like I said, send me the bill.”

“We’d prefer if you came in and paid cash.”

“Cash? Why cash?”

“You opted for the End o’ Life™ Post Mortem New & Improved AntiTheft Plan, remember? So we cancelled all your credits cards for you. That way your relatives won’t be tempted to use your accounts to buy things when they find out you’re gone.”

“But I’m not gone!”

“That's not our fault! You should be!”

“And I don’t have any relatives!”

“Really? Are you sure you don’t want to reschedule? Your life’s a mess and you have no relatives, what’s the point in living? How about I put you down tentatively for the 22^nd?”

“That’s okay, I’ll—”

“Done. See you on the 22^nd, Thierry. Did I pronounce it right this time?”  

“Yes, but—“

 

“Have a nice day!”