Cancer Funnies

As Thanksgiving nears, I have been trying to find a good way to bridge the gap between having cancer and being grateful. Sadly, I have been less than successful. I remain pissed off, sad, scared, resentful and angry. And then I found that several websites have cancer jokes and while most weren’t even mildly amusing, these three made me laugh!

A man isn't feeling well, so he goes to see his doctor. The doctor examines him, and then asks to speak with his wife. The doctor tells his wife that her husband has cancer. The wife asks, "Can he be cured?" The doctor replies "there's a chance we can cure him with chemotherapy, but you’ll need to take care of him everyday for the next year -- cooking all the meals, cleaning up the vomit, changing the bed pan, driving him to the hospital for daily treatments, and so on". When the wife comes out to the waiting room, the husband asks her what the doctor said. The wife answers, "He said that you're going to die".

***

Mike O'Leary goes to his doctor after a long illness. After a lengthy examination, the doctor sighs, looks Mike in the eye and says, "I've some bad news for you... you have cancer and it can't be cured. I give you two weeks to a month." Mike, shocked and saddened by the news, composes himself and walk from the doctor's office into the waiting room. There he sees his son, who has been waiting.

Mike says, "Son, I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's head for the pub and have a few pints." After three or four pints, the two are feeling a little less somber and soon are approached by some of Mike's old friends who ask what the two are celebrating. Mike tells them they’re drinking to his impending end. He tells his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS."

The friends give O'Leary their condolences and they all have a few more beers. After his friends leave, Mike's son leans over and whispers, "Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS."

Mike replies, "I don't want any of them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

***

A patient visits his urologist for testicular cancer and expresses concern about being able to perform after the operation. The patient was also worried about chemotherapy. The doctor said "I too had testicular cancer a few years ago. Ten days after the operation I made passionate love with my wife, and forgot all my worries. Try it and see for yourself." Three weeks later the patient returns and thanks the doctor effusively. The doctor says "I'm glad my advice helped." The patient thanks him again, and as he's leaving says, "By the way Doctor, you have a really beautiful house."