Blasphemy

The murders at Charlie Hebdo continue to generate fears both in Europe and in America, so here’s a suggestion. I think the FM (f*cking morons–see previous blog) should inundate their newspapers and websites with insulting caricatures of the Pope,  the Dalai Lama, any important Jewish religious figure and, of course, Jesus Christ himself. This might make the FM feel better and less likely to rely on firepower to avenge the alleged blasphemy washed upon their deity. A sort of tit-for-tat, if you will.

 

But here’s the thing I don’t fully understand. According to Fareed Zakaria, perhaps the best-known Muslim in the States, “the word blasphemy appears nowhere in the Koran. Nor, incidentally, does the Koran anywhere forbid creating images of Muhammad.” Zakaria quotes Islamic scholar Maulana Wahiduddin Khan who states that, “In Islam, blasphemy is a subject of intellectual discussion rather than a subject of physical punishment.”

 

Personally, I think even the FM would be better off trading their semi-automatics for a set of Primacolor colored pencils and a good quality sketch pad. There are untold numbers of offensive caricatures available to them. The Pope on the potty might be a likely subject. Or perhaps the Dalai Lama butchering a steer? And there are jokes. My favorite horrible Christian joke was told to me by a hardcore born-again Catholic friend: Christ, on the cross, turns to one of the two thieves crucified with him and says, “Hey! I can see your house from here!” (F*cking Morons: You can use this with attribution.)

 

This is probably as close to blasphemy as one can get within Christianity, a humorless faith when it comes to punishing the sacrilegious. According to Leviticus 20:14, “Anyone who blasphemes the name of the Lord is to be put to death.”  Yikes. In spite of this, to the best of my knowledge, no one in recent times has been executed for tasteless Christian humor. Which I am sure is not the case for the radical Islamist with a penchant for decapitation, which is not funny at all.

 

Since I live in the Washington, D.C., area, I have followed with minor interest the saga of our hapless pro football team, the Redskins. Their name has come under mounting criticism since the word “Redskin” is pejorative, say a growing number of Native Americans. There have been peaceful protests, petitions, legal proceedings, and an untold number of newspaper editorials, and it does look as if in the near future the team owner will cave. It won’t be because he has qualms about using a racial slur, but because the continued use of the word will cost him money.

 

What has not happened is a bunch of pissed off Native Americans with automatic weapons invading the office of the team owner and assassinating the staff. I’d be willing to bet that the Reskins name is as offensive to them as anything Charlie Hebdo has printed.

 

One of the things that must happen to stem the atrocities committed by various BFMs is community policing.  It’s hard to believe that in Cherif and Said Kouachi’s Muslim neighborhoods near Paris, not a single person knew what the brothers were doing. Their parents and family claimed the two men had no radical ties and showed no signs of extremism. Yet the Kouachis had traveled to Yemen and Syria and trained in the open. They even named their cell after a nearby public park. 

 

If indeed others knew of the assassination plans and failed to report them, then they too are guilty of murder.

 

 

 

 

Charlie Hebdo, Part 2

There’s nothing like Charlie Hebdo in the United States. The totally irreverent Parisian weekly that was attacked by terrorists and lost 10 of its editors, writers and cartoonists, has no peer on this side of the Atlantic.

 

The Onion? Marginal, overly obvious and trying too hard. Jon Stewart’s Daily Show? Current event comedy that at its best never wavers too far from the politically correct; there are, after all, advertisers one must cater to, and it would be unseemly–and costly—to alienate too many of them. National Lampoon? (one of my prized possessions is the Lampoon’s Unwanted Foreigners issue.) Out of business. The hundreds of websites that claim to be edgy, ahead of the curve and irreverent are peripheral as well, vague shadows of the brazenness that suffered such a loss in Paris.  In the US, impertinence is never mainstream.

 

Charlie Hebdo is mainstream. People buy it at newspaper kiosks and tabacs across the width and length of France. They read it in cafés over anisette and espresso. They discuss it at lunch and dinner with their spouses and friends. They take issue. They are offended, amused, outraged, occasionally disgusted– Charlie Hebdo has its truly tasteless moments—and, if it is their minority that’s the butt of that week’s bayonetting, they fume and occasionally take to the streets fronting the paper’s offices. Charlie’s reporters and cartoonists, meanwhile, are household names, sought after and well-informed celebrities often seen on television, whose opinions are quoted and respected.

 

It’s odd to think that France, a smallish country, could have not only Charlie Hebdo but Le Canard Enchainé as well, another brilliant satirical newspaper that will be celebrating its 100th birthday this year.  A canard in French is a duck, of course, but it’s also the slang term for a newspaper. Le Canard Enchainé is anything but chained, and it too ridicules France’s shortcomings, politicians, bicycle racing, governmental decisions, sex—particularly among its elected officials–racism, sports leagues, and societal movements. It breaks important news stories and has sources in the highest venues, but, compared to Charlie Hebdo, it behaves with relative elegance and evinces better grammar and less graphic cartoons.

 

I’ve often wondered what happened here in the US. Have we been co-opted by cable, or lulled into complacency by the droning of the mainstream media? How in the last few decades did we lose our sense of humor and become so politically correct that no publication of any importance would ever dream of taking on the vagaries of any faith, including Islam. Why is there no nationwide publication ready to brochette the ridiculous and unethical behaviors of our politicians, and, just for once, call a spade a spade?  

 

How did we get so smug, so uninvolved, so uninterested, that we have neither a chained duck nor a Charlie Hebdo.    

 

 

Charlie Hebdo

When I was a kid I used to read Hara-Kiri, a French magazine as irreverent as its name implied. Hara Kiri became Charlie Hebdo, a French newspaper slyly named after Charles de Gaulle, the French president whom it lambasted mercilessly.

 

Over several decades, the newspaper kept the French either laughing, or complaining bitterly against the publication’s blatant tastelessness, but it kept them reading.

 

By now, most everyone knows that the Paris offices of Charlie Hebdo were attacked yesterday by terrorists who killed 12 people, mostly reporters and cartoonists.

 

The staff of Charlie Hebdo made it their business to lampoon everyone–politicians, religious leaders of any stripe, capitalists, the military, the bourgeoisie, movie stars and TV idols, but their editorial knives were especially sharp when it came to the politics and

behaviors of radical Islamic leaders. There’s little sense of humor to be found among terrorists and fanatics, so the attack wasn’t all that surprising. Morons with guns are a sad staple of society, and whether these espouse white supremacy or Islamic fundamentalism, morons are morons and, sadly, guns allow morons to do horrible things.

 

It’s paradoxical; France has long been the land that welcomed refugees and exiled leaders.  Ayatollah Khomeini lived in France for decades. Ho Chi Min was a waiter in Paris. White Russians came by the thousands when tsarism ended. Armenians and Kurds share neighborhoods in major French cities.  There are five million Muslims in France right now and most will decry the outrage committed against a satirical newspaper by three deluded would-be soldiers.  

 

The killers will be caught—they are, after all, morons, and Charlie Hebdo will keep publishing and skewering and lampooning because this is what it does. And once again, it

will be proven that the pen is mightier than the moron and the sword or gun he might be wielding.

 

 

 

 

 

Muslim Humor

Today I am not myself. I am writing under the pseudonym of Alfonse Gaston because there is a possibility that what I write will anger some Muslims who might do harm to my family and neighbors (Note to angry Muslims: The neighbors on the right are fair game.) 

My subject is Muslim Humor.  An infidel priest, a rabbi and an imam are on a plane that's going down and there's only one parachute. The infidel says...

When I typed Muslim Humor into Google, my computer froze up. It appears that a sense of fun, of amusement and glee, are strangely missing from all those people screaming invectives and burning flags in protest of something that, in more civilized venues,  would not draw a second glance.  Has anyone actually viewed Innocence of Muslims? Seriously, you're getting pissed off by a video clip that has all the social importance of a recipe for crawfish étouffé.  Meanwhile your friends and colleagues and decapitating people they don't like and posting the executions online. Actually, I take it all back; in a weird and absurd way, it is pretty funny...

I'm curious about who the people with such deep grievances are. Obviously they're not home, cooking breakfast for their kids, or helping them with the math assignments. Judging from their state of dress, they're not doing the laundry too often either. My impression is, they're out in the street, or congregating at the internet cafés awaiting the next outrage. I wonder how they decide which demonstration to attend...

"Hey, Ali, the Russians just invaded Chechnya again! Let's destroy their embassy!"

"No, Abdul! I see on my 4G iPhone that the Americans have posted a YouTube item taking the  Prophet's name in vain. Let's go to their consulate and shoot them with our Kalashnikovs!"

"And tag their walls!"

"Stone their cars!"

"Burn down the Chik'n Bucket franchise!"

"Here's an even better idea: Lets take the few clothes our children have, make an effigy of Obama, and burn it!"   

Just a few days ago, Charlie Hebdo, one of my favorite French humor magazines,  published some less than tasteful cartoons of the prophet Muhammad, prompting some 10,000 people in Lebanon to march in protest. Where and how do 10,000 people spontaneously find the time to do something like this? I can't get five friends to play Monopoly on a Friday night! Are all these Muslim folks jobless, or is protesting a part of their employment benefits, sort of like the annual company picnic, but more frequent? Or maybe it's just something to do, a Middle Eastern version of bingo night at the senior center. 

Also, I'm curious as to where they get all the American flags, and I bet we could end all the protest by putting in an embargo on flag importation.

And here's the other thing I don't quite get: the garbage hasn't been picked up in weeks; your infrastructure is falling apart; the education system is in shambles; your women can't show their faces; your neighboring country hates you. Solution: Lets go kill some infidels. Unless, of course, you can come to the US, get a job, make some money and live a normal life.

Yeah. That works.

Alfonse Gaston, signing off. And remember, it's the neighbor on the right.