Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Fashion Fatwa

The powers-that-be in Ocean City want to ban saggy shorts that allow colorful display of the wearers’ underwear.  This will lower crime, they assert, though with little proof. Personally, I agree that having to look at a young man’s undies could be viewed as unfortunate, if not entirely criminal, and I am sure there is enough misery in the world without adding sartorial illiteracy. This being said, I also believe Ocean City may be on to something worth exploring, a fatwa of sorts against some forms of fashion.  I suggest we ban:


v Tramp stamps.  The tattoos worn on the small of the back mostly by young women will degrade in time. The graceful pin-striping will become as thick--and unpalatable--as overcooked Ziti. In a decade, the Harley wings worn by many will begin to look like asymmetrical road kill. There’s no need for anyone to see that.


v Baseball caps worn sideways. Not only do they make the wearers look like unadulterated morons, they guarantee unemployment. No one--no one--will hire a kid with a sideways baseball cap. There’s a very real possibility that this unfortunate fad is a leading contributor to the nation’s financial woes.


v Lycra. Lycra is a privilege, and not a right, and far too many people have not considered this when in public. Abusing a privilege or a right is dangerous and can lead to even more asocial behavior. Personally, I find that the sight of Lycra on the wrong person can ruin my breakfast.


v Flip-flops. Particularly when color-coordinated to match pastel shorts. I think flip-flops and hazardous waste occupy the same realm. I suspect as well that flip-flop accidents cost us millions in emergency room care.


v Women’s bathing suits with little skirts on them. I’ll admit it’s been a while since I’ve seen one of these; perhaps the last time was on a Florida beach. In the water, such suits make the wearer look like a monstrous, pink or light blue man-of-war jellyfish. And they’re not that much more appealing on dry land, either.   


v Speedo suits for men. In the south of France where I used to vacation as a kid, topless beaches are the norm. Authorities there had deemed, and wisely so, that going topless is fine but wearing a Speedo is a crime against nature. It’s been my experience that this is mostly a Teutonic crime, and I don’t claim to understand why the folks from the northern climes find such things attractive. Unless it’s a subtle means of once again invading their neighbors.


v Hoodies. Need I say more? Hoodies lead to aggressive behavior among gun-toting nuts, as well as legal proceedings that could bankrupt a small nation. Plus, people wear them when it 110°F and get heat prostration,  leading to further abuse of emergency room care.


v T-shirts with logos. I wrote an entire blog about logos on clothing and think wearers of such items should be paid by the company or product they are advertising. T-shirts that claim to be humorous should be banned as well, as they are never humorous. Ever.


v Cowboy hats, when worn East of the Mississippi. Really.  Cowboy boots, too, when worn by people who are afraid of horses.  The Shame! The Horror!


If you have suggestions, send them in.


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