Messages

So there was this Hotmail account I opened a while back and forgot about. Not unusual; at the time, my regular account was on the fritz and so for a week or two I was using the new one, then when the old one started working again, I promptly forgot my Hotmail presence.

I checked it this morning, and there were 472 messages which I assume means I am a popular guy, a fact originally ascertained in an earlier blog about me and Google. What amazed me about the messages was their wonderful variety, and the fact that some people out there really do care about me and my well-being. Why else would they encourage me to:

• Sign on to SeniorPeople Meet.com (which I find a tad insulting)
• Sign on to JDate.com, though I’m not Jewish
• Sign on to Christian Mingle, which sounds a little bit risqué
• Sign on to Asian dating and for all I know, Senior Aging dating
• Sign on to a couple of other services that promise nights of delight with women who live in my very own neighborhood and are invariably blonde and a third my age.  

I was also touched by these strangers’ willingness to give me thing for free (yes, I know that’s an oxymoron), asking only for some basic information such as my age, gender, and credit card numbers. Had I been willing, I could have gotten:

• A free fifth tire if I bought a set of four
• An amazing array of printer supplies—paper, cartridges, cables and wireless thingies
• An almost free education at the University of Phoenix (I like the symbolism. The phoenix [me] rising from my own intellect-free ashes)
• And also from Florida Tech University, an online concern that promises me a raise, which I could well use
• A staggering array—and I mean thousands—of free coupons.
• A membership to Curves, even though I’m a guy and I don’t think they’d let me through the doors.

What I think most got to me, though, was all these people’s concerns for my health, and I wonder, do they know I had cancer? And if so, how? Are they reading my blogs? That would be OK. Do they have access to my medical records? That would not be OK. At any rate, I’ve now learned I can:
Cure diabetes, psoriasis, high blood pressure, athletes’ foot, toenail fungus, halitosis, bad eyesight, poor hearing, hair loss, acne, impotence, and drooping breasts. Really. Without surgery or exercise…

• Start melting my fat away with raspberry ketone, or even better
• Blast it away with foods that kill fat, or perhaps
• Romance it away with saffron, who is either a spice or a girl. And finally, I can
• Buy a sort of male girdle which, when I put it on, will obviate the need to blast or melt anything at all.  Nothing against saffron, but being a pacifist at heart, I think I like that option best.

The offers go on and on. Payday advances, life insurance (which I can’t really get. The cancer again. I know, I tried), mole removal, child development courses, solar panels, gadgets to improve my gas mileage (I assume they’re talking about my car and not me personally). Here were many, many more and after a while I did wholesale deletions, pages at a time, and so it’s possible that I overlooked some life-changing information.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you. I have not yet availed myself of this wealth of products and information, but I’m pretty sure I will in the near future. So keep those messages coming, folks. Don’t know what I’d do without you…