Saturday, April 4, 2015

Cancer Comments

“So, how’re you?”

“Pretty good, actually. Had my last surgery—“

“I mean, how are you really?”

“Well, actually, this last procedure was—-“

“Hey! Marcia! Howe are you, girl?”

“—-sort of difficult, you kn—“

“You need anything, anything at all, you call me, OK?”

“Hum, yeah, sure.”

“I mean anything. You want to talk, cry, get mad, you call me anytime!
“Yeah. Of course. I’ll be sure to do that.”

“You look great!  Just great! I mean, no one could even tell you’re sick! I don’t know how you do it. If I had what you have, I’d look terrible!”

“The thing you have to watch out for are the lymph nodes. Have you had them checked? It’s the lymph nodes that are gonna get you. Remember that. The lymph nodes.”

“Cancer? Is that what you have? I got two words for you. Cannabis Oil. You get it on the internet.

“The chemotherapy couldn’t have been that bad. You still have all your hair.”

“… and when her hair started growing back, it was completely different. It used to be straight and now it’s all curly. Almost like some sort of Afro. Strangest thing I ever saw!

“My aunt Sophie died of cancer. It was horrible. She weighed 70 pounds when she passed away. And she used to be a big woman.”

“Do you get good drugs at least? Percocet? Vicodan? Cause if you don’t need them, I’ll take them off your hands. Won’t be a problem at all.”

“Gosh, I’ve known so many people who’ve died of cancer. This nice lady down the hall. My sister’s boyfriend’s ex-wife. This woman I used to see at Safeway. The mailman.”

Nine surgeries?  Nine? So how many more do you think you’ll need?”

“With Aunt Sophie, it was ovarian cancer that took her. I guess that’s not something you have to worry about, right? You don’t have ovaries, do you?  Just kidding…”

“Cannabis oil is bs. It’s all about antineoplastons. You have to check out this website about how cancer cures have been suppressed by the big pharmaceutical companies. You’ll thank me later.”

“Cancer? Oh man. I mean. Cancer is like the cancer of our society!”

“Is it contagious? Should I be worried?”

“It’s not like everybody who gets cancer dies from it, right?”

“The preacher at my church used to say that cancer was God’s punishment for being---wait, you’re not gay, are you?”

“My bad. It’s not cancer that’s the punishment.  It’s AIDS.”


“…this place in Mexico. It’s a big secret, and it’s hard to get to; like, it’s in the middle of the jungle and you need a private helicopter. It’s where Johnny Depp went when he had cancer? You didn’t know Depp had cancer? Yeah. Really. And Keith Richards, too.”

“It could be worse…”

“WOW!!! I’d never thought of that! I’m so glad you told me, and I feel so much better now!”

“So let me ask you this. Can you have sex?”



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